Waiting

I wrote this piece during a period of EMDR therapy when I was uncovering layers of repressed betrayal trauma. I had once believed my family was simply a “codependent system” but over time, I came to see that I had been raised in the center of a cult. I was sexually abused by my parents and by nearly every member of my extended family. I was also pimped out for money to church members, family friends, and casual strangers, like the woman who cut my hair a few times, and her choke-happy husband.

Some of these memories, like the haircut rape, surfaced after a Bufo psychedelic experience, just a few weeks after writing this piece.

At the time of writing, I had begun to glimpse what it means to truly be present. It felt like I was standing at the precipice of The End, the end of uncovering and battling my life’s hidden traumas. So many abusers. Countless abuses. Endless grief, sadness, rage, and tears.

But it’s out there…

My Self

…I just have to keep working towards it. 

“Waiting”

01/24/25

I have been here waiting for you. 

I could not do anything when the weight on your shoulders became too much to bear.

I have been here adoring you.

I could not do anything when you collapsed under the pressure.

I have been here rooting for you.

I could not lend a hand to help you off the ground.

I have been here bleeding for you.

I could not get close enough to wipe the dirt off your face.

I have been here hurting for you.

I could do nothing as you laid face down for years.

I have been here crying for you.

I watched when you picked yourself off the ground for the last time. 

I admired how you took the weight off your shoulders piece by piece.

I grew restless after the first time you caught a glimpse of me.

I fantasized about what we’ll accomplish together; when you finally reach me. 

For I have been here waiting for you. 

Time and time again it seemed like you found the answer and were only steps from my out stretched arms.

But time and time again it wasn’t so. 

Over and over you picked yourself off the ground and set out once more. 

Only now are you finally close enough for me to see the beauty in your eyes.

I can feel the life within your soul.

You are finally close enough that I can hear you longing for more.

I can sense your enjoyment wanting to sprout. 

You are finally close enough to where I can see your scars.

I struggle to believe my eyes.

You scratched, kicked, screamed, cried, punched, and fought dawn to dusk to get this close. 

You tossed and turned dusk until dawn to get this close. 

Not even dreams could give you reprieve. 

I am the joy you have felt slip through your fingers.

I am the culmination of your work. 

I am what is left at the end of this.

I am all that you have longed for.

I am the happiness you seek.

I am here, waiting.

Come and get me.

- Wayne