I’m Struggling Again…

I wrote this piece during what might be called a “high point” in my trauma work. It feels strange to even describe any moment in life as “happy,” but against the dark backdrop of my lineage, I guess it was happiness peeking through.

At the time, I could predict my mood. If I felt okay one day, I knew the next would bring misery… but at least I could hold onto hope that the day after might bring a sense of being “alright” again.

These daily ups and downs eventually gave way to larger waves of trauma emerging, as they always do.

This is a story of that struggle.

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“I’m struggling again”

01/17/2025

Here I go again, lugging all my pain up a mountain.

Here I go again, latched to my legs are the forgotten images of my past.

I can’t even think clearly or quickly enough to get my thoughts out.

Anger is swirling. Confusion is suffocating. Angst is growing.

I’m becoming more and more uncomfortable in my skin.

Oh, here we go again.

I haven’t even caught my breath from the last mountain I climbed.

I’ve plateaued; too weary to take another step.

What if I slip? Do I fall back to this point, this save state?

Or does everything reset, and I plummet to the very bottom;

the place I carved out of nothing to make a home?

I won’t go back.

I’ve filled that hole with all that was never given to me.

I’ve filled it with the images of my life’s history that I’ve only just remembered.

I built a way out; alone.

I constructed a ladder out of memories long forgotten.

Little did I know each rung held immense, fiery grief,

burning my hands as I climbed.

Each step to freedom held more images.

Every image had to be seen for me to continue.

If I closed my eyes while grabbing the next rung,

inevitably I’d fall a few steps back.

I have to look at my past to move forward.

And I did.

I made it out of the hole.

With satisfaction, I felt the warm sunlight on my skin.

What once felt invasive,

the light is now comforting.

Oh, but only for a moment.

The sun has shifted,

its warmth stolen by the mountain now standing between me and the light.

The mountain is so high, I can’t see the peak.

Maybe I’ll never get a break.

What if I climb forever?

I guess that’s better than falling forever.

So, here I go again.